Despite the fall of the economy and the inevitable depression that is to follow, it’s comforting to see the media continue to focus on what really matters…American Idol. I have four things to say about that…

4. In an apparent effort to overshadow the induction of our new president, the creators of programming that decreases the world’s IQ level (aka FOX) decided to launch season — I don’t know, let’s say 70 — last night and they’re ready to pick a new season of singers that no one will care about two months after the show’s finale. In preparation, Randy Jackson lost 15 pounds and then gained 20 back, Paula Abdul rush-shipped that vodka IV machine she’d been eying on Overstock.com, and Simon Cowell has cancelled all chest hair waxing appointments until further notice.

3. Avoiding getting a lump of coal for the third year in a row, Simon asked Santa to bring him a few top-notch stars to appear as guests on Idol 2009 - including, Britney Spears. But unfortunately for Cowell, unless Brit-Brit decides to star in the 5th Grader spin-off “Are You Smarter Than a Brick?” Simon’s got no chance of getting cross-promotional whore-faces (aka FOX) to agree to let her on the show. They’ve got to save that air time for people who really matter, like…

OK, is it sad that I can’t even think of one crappy FOX actor? I almost went for Jeff Foxworthy, but that just seemed so played out. And then I was thinking that kinda hot/kinda creepy dude from House, but then that would have required me to Google his name. Joke = FAIL.

2. Also new to this season is the addition of a third American Idol judge to the panel. I say third, because I refuse to consider what comes out of Randy’s mouth actual words. Soulless money grubbers (aka FOX) asked sugar-pop songwriter (and friend of Paula’s) Kara DioGuardi to join the brilliant and well spoken cast of judges. When asked how she felt about sitting next to someone smarter, better looking, and more sober than her, Paula said:

What?

1. For all the ladies who dig dudes with accents, there’s good news. Our favorite angry v-necked Brit Simon (aka Silver Fox), announced that he is back on the market after breaking up with his girlfriend of six years. A non-bitter Cowell has said he’s sworn off women forever. No word yet on how Ryan Seacrest is handling the news.

See how I was trying to say there that Ryan’s a woman. Man, I’m rusty.

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